4;30AM
ignore me.
i feel like rambling for a bit.

i can`t sleep.
there`s thoughts in my mind.
really confusing the bitch outta me.

i can`t seem to find the words to put down how i`m feeling..
there`s so much in my mind - i don`t know what to do.
you can laugh all you want,
label me all you want about it,
this is another pointless post from steph,
it makes her feel better.
don`t like it? - live with it.
cause it`s not gonna shut me up.

i don`t think anyone can help me right now..
noone will understand, noone will listen.
& what i say doesn`t seem to make sense anymore,
nothing comes out right, nothing ever works out.
i feel so.. small; so much shit but i can`t do anything about it.

it`s like nothing is ever stable for me,
everytime i`m happy, things gradually starts falling apart,
this happens to me over and over and over again.
and everytime, it seems to get a lil worse.
i`m so fucking tired. i don`t want to go through this anymore.

friends i had that were once really close to me,
seem to be falling out with me each day.
maybe i`m just being paranoid,
but i can`t seem to work out who`s gonna be there for me anymore;
i don`t know who i can trust.
i don`t know what`s going on, i don`t know what i`m doing.
what`s worse.. i don`t think before my actions.
and that`s probably why i keep ending up in so much shit.
when i`m left in a difficult situation,
i don`t do the best things to solve it.
i`m so stupid - i don`t think.

i wish i had someone by my side but hey,
you should never depend or rely on someone/something too much,
cause face it, someday, sometime,
that someone/somethings not gonna be there anymore.
& you`re just gonna suffer even more.
i need to learn how to face reality on my own.
i need to learn how to sort things out on my own,
i need to learn how to not drag people into my shit.
it`s called independency,
the thing that i don`t seem to have.

life can really a bitch hmm?

i can go on and on,
but then again, i can`t blame anyone but me for all this crap.
i had the choices, but i constantly choose the wrong ones.
i have trusted the wrong people, i have followed the wrong path;
i chose to believe lies, i chose to not listen to some of my closest friends.
i feel so alone, i feel like letting go,
i can`t work out what`s right to do.
i can`t even work out what`s right or wrong anymore.

i don`t know what my point is,
i don`t know where this is leading to,
i don`t know what`s going to happen,
maybe i`m wrong about everything,
but i don`t know what to do,
is there even anything i can do?

i`m sorry to those who i have hurt,
i`m sorry for all the shit.
i`m sorry for letting you guys down,
i`m sorry for everything.

i hope you`re happy now.